Who needs a clean buck’s party! It’s his last night of freedom!

If you think the definition of a great buck’s party is inviting the lads over for a sit-down dinner and a couple of quiet Shirley Temple mock tails before retiring to bed early, you might need to check between your legs and make sure everything is still there. Once you’ve actually confirmed you’re intact, take a step back and think not about what your potential party of one will entail, but what your mate would truly wish for.

I’ve been to my fair share of buck’s parties and I can tell you from first-hand experience, a boring buck’s is a huge let-down for the man of the evening. Even if he’s usually more vanilla than a punnet of Peters, he’s more than likely expecting at least some level of debauchery with the boys.

Consider this scenario if you will, dear reader: don’t ask why, but you’ve just been sentenced to life in prison. In this particular prison, your cell-mate will be constantly berating you for insignificant reasons such as not paying attention to their needs and never communicating. You’re expected to attend prison musicals with them and visit their friends’ cells who you don’t really like. But the judge is a kind-hearted bloke and gives you one more night on the town with your mates before facing the music the next morning. One more chance to get out there and go wild. So what would you do?

Just like Frodo with the one ring, as best man it is your sole responsibility to make sure the future groom makes his way into the depths of his own metaphorical ‘Mount Doom’. In this case, instead of bubbling red-hot lava he should be surrounded by a level of debauchery that only those staring death in the face (or marriage, for that matter) should experience. Think strippers of all shapes and sizes. Think booze concoctions that Keith Richards would refuse. Think carnie folk who smell very much like cabbage but can perform tricks for your amusement. We’re talking a sincere level of hedonistic wickedness at the most impressive level.

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